There's A Lot Going On

Matthew 6:31-32 Don’t worry and say, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ The people who don’t know God keep trying to get these things, and your Father in heaven knows you need them.

The title of this is inspired by Vic Mensa's new EP "There's A Lot Going On", which is fire, but it is also inspired by the events that have been taking place in my life recently.  

There really is a lot going on.  I'm currently on week 3 of my new job.  The first week was mentally exhausting.  The training was a week long and every 30 minutes I was meeting with a new person to teach me something new.  It felt like the first day of classes when I transferred to Millersville University.  During week 1, every day I came home so exhausted, all I did was lay down and sleep. Needless to say, I was very overwhelmed.

By the end of week 2 something inside me happened.  I started to leave work empty.  I felt mentally drained as usual but I was feeling empty in my heart.  I knew from the get that this job wasn't going to be a forever thing for me, just a stepping stone into my career.  As I started thinking and praying to God, I really started to feel in my heart that I chose the wrong path.

Prior to my job offer, I was offered an interview for the opportunity to work for a nonprofit for a whole year essentially helping the community.  That was something that was really on my heart and I wanted to do but I thought taking this job was a better option. I turned down the interview and I took the job.  Now I'm not even sure if I did what God wanted for me.  

Some people who take the job I have and say "Hey, I may not be happy and feel anything working here, but at least the money and benefits are good".  That's not me.  I rather make minimum wage and help people and feel purpose, passion, and fulfillment than to be a millionaire and leave my job empty and sad every day.  Money isn't everything to me.  Purpose and happiness is.  

Since the end of last summer, I've been on a mission to figure out what is God's purpose for me. That's all I want.  It's all I crave.  I want to know how and what am I suppose to be doing for the glory of God.  I want to know what is my purpose.

 Luke 12:31 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.

I'm grateful to have a job after graduation.  For the first time in my life I'm not broke.  For the first time I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck.  For the first time I have the means to help my family in a big way.  But none of that matters.  I don't desire to keep that if that means not finding and fulfilling God's purpose for me.

I know what is to be broke.  I know what it is to have no food. I know what it is to be homeless and live in a shelter.  I know what it is to struggle to pay the bills and have things get cut off.  I know what it is to work your butt off day in and day out and still not be able to make ends meet. I know all this all too well.  The thing is, if  I ever had to go back to any of this to find out what is God's purpose for me and fulfill it, I would do it in a heart beat because I've been there, done that.  If I had to go through things greater than what I been through just to find my purpose, I'll do it.

This morning I cried like a baby to my boyfriend telling him that it's breaking my heart that I may be at a job that is not what God intended for me but I thought it was.  I told him how it's hurting me because all I want is to find what is God's purpose for me.  I don't want to be rich.  I don't want to be famous.  I just want to be a servant of God.  I cried and felt my heart aching.  He told me to be patient (something I need to work on) and that God will reveal to me the answers to all my questions.  He also told me to remember I do not have to stay at this job.  I can leave at any point and that I am not bond to it.  With those words of encouragement, I gained a little hope.

I went online to see if the nonprofit that offered me an interview was still taking applicants.  I saw that they extended the deadline to June 30th!  Right away I gave the director a call.  Surprisingly he picked up the phone and he remembered me.  I talked to him briefly about my experience with my new job and asked if the interview was still on the table.  I told him I wanted to know more about the nonprofit and the program that I would potentially be in and talk more in detail about my conflict with my new job and see what will be a good fit.  

He told me the interview was still a go and would email me his schedule and we can meet this week coming up.  As soon as I hanged up the phone I felt relief.  I thought to myself, "This is the deciding factor.  Through this God will help me figure out what is truly best for me". 

I'm excited for the interview and excited to figure out what is best for me.  I know this isn't weighing heavy on my heart for no reason.  I know God will guide me to where I belong and I'm so excited to see what this week has in store for me. 

I want to live for God and serve Him and fulfill my purpose, whatever that may be.  I don't know what that is yet but I am on my way.  I know whatever the Lord reveal to me and wherever He takes me, He will always keep me, take care of me and provide for me no matter what.