My Testimony

Where do I even start?  This post was supposed to be written and publish Wednesday, July 27, 2016.  I couldn't mustered up the mental strength and courage to sit and write it with everything that's been going on but that's a story for another time.  This right here is my testimony.  This is where I talk about the start of the week that changed my life forever.

The night before July 27,2015 I worked second shift at an assistance living home.  It was a rough night working with the dementia residents.  I was going through so much at this point of my life.  My mother's health was going down hill after her 4th back surgery.  The surgery put her out of work which caused us to financially unstable.  I was working full time and always picking up shifts to make more money to pay the bills.  At this time, I should've graduated from college but I took a whole year off because before my mom's back surgery, she had kidney cancer as well.  I also just got out of a abusive relationship but my ex was still harassing me.

My mother was sick.  We were barely making ends meet.  I had no money to go back to college to finish my senior year.  For seven months I was physically, emotionally, and mentally abused.  My ex was still harassing me after I ended the relationship.  I was starting to question God and ask why I was going through this.  My mental health was in shambles(I've been suffering from depression since I was 16 and recently anxiety as of last year.).  I was in such a dark place that there was no way that I could get myself out and there was nothing anyone could do to help.

I felt worthless, useless, unworthy of love, unworthy of anything.  I felt like God was punishing me and I couldn't understand why.  I couldn't understand why I was going through everything I was going through.  The pain was too much.  I cried every night and every morning I felt sad, alone and lost.  Sometimes people would ask "What's wrong?".  I would always say "I'm just tired.".

I was tired.  I was tired of my life.  I was tired of living.  Death felt easier.  I felt like there was no point in staying on this Earth.  I felt alone.  All my close friends were far from me.  I felt like God was far from me.  I was feeling disconnected from my family because my depression wouldn't allow me to reach out.  My ex made me believe I was worthless and no one cared about me or loved me and the bruises he left on me reminded me of this.

So the night before July 27, 2015, I came home from work.  It was 11:30 pm.  My mother waited for me downstairs in the living.  She was on the phone talking with a relative.  I said hello, gave her a kiss and went to the bathroom.  I took a shower and got ready for what I thought would be my last night.

My mother had a lot of medication bottles in her room.  The pills helped with her recovering kidney from her cancer surgery and helped her coped with the pain from her 4th back surgery.  She had Vicodin, Tylenol with codeine, Tramadol, Percocets, Oxycontin, anxiety medication, high blood pressure medication, and more.  My mother didn't take all this medication but the doctor's were constantly pushing them on her to help manage her pain.  Since she didn't take a lot of them, all her medication bottles were practically full.

I went into her room and took all the pills out of every bottle I could find.  I then went down stairs to get a gallon of water.  I returned to my room with the water and the pills.  I premeditated this.  During this time of my life, I thought about killing myself often, especially during and after my abusive relationship.  It was always just a matter of when and how.  I thought about shooting myself, hanging myself, stabbing myself, walking in front of a car, jumping off a building, everything I could possibly think of, I considered.  I didn't want to live anymore.  Life wasn't getting better.

I sat on the corner of my bed and although I was losing my faith, I still had some left.  I looked up to the ceiling crying while my mom was downstairs on the phone and talked to God.  With a pile of pills in one hand and my water in the other, I cried to God and said, "God... if I do this and die then it is what it is.  But if I do this and live, then I know you have a purpose for me.".

I took all the chalky pills.  I probably swallowed close to over 100 different pills.  When I was finished, I lay down in my bed crying, hoping I would pass away in my sleep.

The next day, July 27, 2015, I didn't work so my mom figured I was sleeping in.  I typically don't sleep in pass 10 am.  When she saw it 12 pm and I didn't wake up she came to my room.  She asked if I was going to wake up and I said I was tired.  She left my room and let me sleep longer.  It was 3 pm and I was still in bed and she knew that wasn't normal.  I never sleep in that late.

She came to my room and tried to wake me up and I was barely responsive.  My mother, one month after her back surgery with a back brace, on tried to lift my body up from my bed.  She started yelling my name and asking me what was wrong.  All I could mumble was, "Leave me alone.".  She kept yelling, asking me if I took something and I didn't respond.  She ran to her room to check her medication bottles and found them all empty.  She picked me up and threw me in the shower.  She washed me up and then dressed me as I hanged on her like a rag doll.  When she brought me back to my room to lay me back on the bed.  I didn't make it to my bed.  My lifeless body fell to floor beofre she got to call 911.

My mother didn't have the strength to pick up my lifeless body.  She called my brother to come to the house and help.  He rushed over, picked my body off the floor and threw me in my mom's jeep. July 27, 2015 at around 3:45 pm, I was admitted to the hospital for suicide attempt by drug overdose. When I woke up, I had an IV in each arm flushing out my system.  I was surrounded by my mom, dad, brother and my best friend Makeba.  My mom was crying and everyone looked distressed.  I started crying and yelling to my mom, "Why didn't you let me die!  I don't want to live!".  I kept repeating this to her and she just cried and begged me to stop saying that.

A few minutes later a nurse came in and told me that I would be 302 (forced to a mental health facility) or I could voluntary sign a paper to go for about 2-3 days.  I signed the paper.  My best friend Makeba tried to talk with me but I was out of it.  A drug overdose feels like you're drunk but times 100 and when the drugs wear off it feel likes a hangover times 1,000.

At some point, everyone left.  On July 28, 2015 at about 3:00 am, I was admitted to PhilHaven.  I was still confused and out of it from all the drugs I took.  My face was swollen and I couldn't make sense of everything that was happening.  After they took my vitals and weight I was sent to my room with nothing but a hospital robe.  I went to sleep fast, still feeling the drugs in my system.  It all felt like a dream to me.

On July 28, 2015, I woke up around 9:30 am.  I was pissed.  It wasn't a dream.  I wasn't dead and I was damn near butt naked.  I fought with the staff.  I demanded they get me my clothes and let me take a shower or I wouldn't leave me room.  In about 15 minutes, they got my clothes and let me take a shower with a woman outside keeping watch.  I was angry.  I didn't want help.  I wanted death.

The first two days in PhilHaven were rough.  I was angry at my mom for saving me.  She told me the doctors said I was lucky to be alive.  The doctors didn't understand how I lived and couldn't understand how I had no organ damage.  I then realized God saved me and that meant I had a purpose.

I was kept in PhilHaven for a week.  Throughout that week my family and Makeba visited me every day.  I made friends, and I got better mentally.

I grew a new appreciation for life.  I appreciated the littlest things like being about to feel the sun on my skin and breathe fresh air.  By the middle of the week, I couldn't believe I took life for granted.  I felt guilty and selfish for what I did to myself and my family.

August 3, 2015 around 12 pm I was released from PhilHaven.  It felt good to be mentally well and be with my family but I wasn't ready to be back in the real world(this is when I started to develop anxiety).  I was released and was on a mission to figure out what is God's purpose for me.  I said to God if I live then that means you have a purpose for me and He proved it to me.  I should have been dead on July 27, 2015 but I'm alive and still here.

It's July 31 2016 and I still struggle with my depression every day.  I have anxiety attacks often and night terrors.  Everyday I feel some level of sadness and I probably cry about once a week, but life isn't so bad.  I got to finished my senior year.  I graduated May 7, 2016.  My family and I are in a better financial state.  My mother's health has gotten better.  I'm in a healthy and loving relationship. My relationship with God is stronger.

I still haven't figured out what is God's purpose for me but I crave to know what it is and I'm still trying to figure it out.  I'm sharing this testimony because I was never given a chance to do so, so here it is.  One year since my suicide attempt and I'm blessed enough to share this story with the world.  I pray that someone reads this and finds some comfort and peace.  God bless.

Why I Miss the Hood

The Bronx gets a bad rep but what place doesn't.  Every place has its bad areas, even a place like Lancaster.  I'm currently looking for an apartment here and my supervisor says there's a saying when people look for a place in Lancaster. "West is the best" she said.  Whatever that means.

I'm from the Bronx.  Kingsbridge and Jerome to be exact.  When my mom and dad split, my mother,brother and I moved to the Throggs Neck projects but I spent my weekends in Kingsbridge and Jerome visiting my father.

I now currently reside in Lancaster, PA.  Ever since my family and I moved to PA, I never stopped missing the Bronx.  I have no connection to PA even though I've now been here for half my life. There's so many things about the Bronx I miss.  When I find some of the things I miss about the Bronx in the hood parts of Lancaster, I feel at home.  Some people would probably feel out of place and call it the ghetto but for me it feels like home.

I miss the hood because I miss the sense of community and togetherness.  People in the hood got your back.  We look out for one another because all we have is each other.  There's an unwritten rule of loyalty and respect and people follow that.

I miss the hood because I don't have to go to a Wal-Mart and be worried if I'm going to find what I need.  The bodegas and habibi stores always hook me up.  Whether it's seasoning, cleaning supplies, or even my favorite snack, I know they got it. And guess what?  If they don't got it, there's a bodega two doors down that does.

I miss the businesses ran by Black and Latino owners.  The mom and pop shops.  I miss seeing my people come up in the business world and make a living doing what they love.  I miss supporting that.

I miss the summer time in the hood.  I miss the block parties, festivals, and park bbqs.  I miss seeing people on the sidewalk playing cards and dominoes; laughing and smiling together just to beat the New York City heat.  I miss seeing the kids play in the fire hydrant.  I was one of those kids.

I miss the parks man!  I have yet to see one hand ball court in PA!  The parks also had sprinklers. How dope is that to have on a hot summer day!?

Most importantly, I miss my family.  I didn't get to finish growing up with my cousins.  I didn't get to see my cousins start their own families.  I have cousins who are married with kids and I haven't even met their kids or husband or wife.  I miss my family get togethers.  I miss just chillen with them, being around them.  The loneliness my immediate family and I have experience from moving to PA broke our hearts.  I miss the birthday parties, baptisms, and holidays with my family.

I miss the Bronx.  I miss the hood so much.  There's so much more I miss about the Bronx but if I wrote it all this might be a 10 page paper.  I left my heart in the Bronx and I pray that one day I am able to return to my first love.

Peaches

I was sweet and nice so he called me peaches. My name was soon replaced as that. When I heard that name I knew things were good.
But I soon started to hear myself be called other names by him that weren't so sweet and nice.
BITCH. STUPID. RETARD. THOT.
I started to hear those words a lot.
None of those sounded like Ashley or peaches. I was hurting inside,  the words stuck to me like verbal leaches.
And soon the words bitch, stupid, retard, thot, were followed by threats. He was starting to sound like the rest.
And soon those hateful words, and unnerving threats were followed by punches, body slams to the floor. I couldn't take it anymore. Smothered tears and cries. He didn't care about how much I was dying inside. He took life from me. I no longer felt alive.
From him I was afraid, but only secretly.
I guess he forgot that peaches bruise easily.

Millennial Girl Problems

Baby girl, you're more than just your Instagram and I'm telling you they're not all your fans. 

You got 457 selfies at different angles and each get over 100 likes and you think you're the bomb because you get DMs from dudes like Joe, Ricky and Mike. 

Your 4k followers don't mean nothing. Don't fall into the hype. 

Twerk videos,  bottle service girls,  ass shots, yea guys will double tap that. 

But they're also the same guys who hit once and never call you back. Aspire to be something more. This IG shit isn't realistic. 

You're so caught up in that screen and something inside is missing. 

Get your head in the books and when you educate yourself it will open so many doors. 

Baby girl, when you show your true potential,  you will definitely be adored. 

So stop counting your likes and followers and start counting your dreams and goals. Don't let the narcissism of IG get to your soul.

There's A Lot Going On

Matthew 6:31-32 Don’t worry and say, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ The people who don’t know God keep trying to get these things, and your Father in heaven knows you need them.

The title of this is inspired by Vic Mensa's new EP "There's A Lot Going On", which is fire, but it is also inspired by the events that have been taking place in my life recently.  

There really is a lot going on.  I'm currently on week 3 of my new job.  The first week was mentally exhausting.  The training was a week long and every 30 minutes I was meeting with a new person to teach me something new.  It felt like the first day of classes when I transferred to Millersville University.  During week 1, every day I came home so exhausted, all I did was lay down and sleep. Needless to say, I was very overwhelmed.

By the end of week 2 something inside me happened.  I started to leave work empty.  I felt mentally drained as usual but I was feeling empty in my heart.  I knew from the get that this job wasn't going to be a forever thing for me, just a stepping stone into my career.  As I started thinking and praying to God, I really started to feel in my heart that I chose the wrong path.

Prior to my job offer, I was offered an interview for the opportunity to work for a nonprofit for a whole year essentially helping the community.  That was something that was really on my heart and I wanted to do but I thought taking this job was a better option. I turned down the interview and I took the job.  Now I'm not even sure if I did what God wanted for me.  

Some people who take the job I have and say "Hey, I may not be happy and feel anything working here, but at least the money and benefits are good".  That's not me.  I rather make minimum wage and help people and feel purpose, passion, and fulfillment than to be a millionaire and leave my job empty and sad every day.  Money isn't everything to me.  Purpose and happiness is.  

Since the end of last summer, I've been on a mission to figure out what is God's purpose for me. That's all I want.  It's all I crave.  I want to know how and what am I suppose to be doing for the glory of God.  I want to know what is my purpose.

 Luke 12:31 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.

I'm grateful to have a job after graduation.  For the first time in my life I'm not broke.  For the first time I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck.  For the first time I have the means to help my family in a big way.  But none of that matters.  I don't desire to keep that if that means not finding and fulfilling God's purpose for me.

I know what is to be broke.  I know what it is to have no food. I know what it is to be homeless and live in a shelter.  I know what it is to struggle to pay the bills and have things get cut off.  I know what it is to work your butt off day in and day out and still not be able to make ends meet. I know all this all too well.  The thing is, if  I ever had to go back to any of this to find out what is God's purpose for me and fulfill it, I would do it in a heart beat because I've been there, done that.  If I had to go through things greater than what I been through just to find my purpose, I'll do it.

This morning I cried like a baby to my boyfriend telling him that it's breaking my heart that I may be at a job that is not what God intended for me but I thought it was.  I told him how it's hurting me because all I want is to find what is God's purpose for me.  I don't want to be rich.  I don't want to be famous.  I just want to be a servant of God.  I cried and felt my heart aching.  He told me to be patient (something I need to work on) and that God will reveal to me the answers to all my questions.  He also told me to remember I do not have to stay at this job.  I can leave at any point and that I am not bond to it.  With those words of encouragement, I gained a little hope.

I went online to see if the nonprofit that offered me an interview was still taking applicants.  I saw that they extended the deadline to June 30th!  Right away I gave the director a call.  Surprisingly he picked up the phone and he remembered me.  I talked to him briefly about my experience with my new job and asked if the interview was still on the table.  I told him I wanted to know more about the nonprofit and the program that I would potentially be in and talk more in detail about my conflict with my new job and see what will be a good fit.  

He told me the interview was still a go and would email me his schedule and we can meet this week coming up.  As soon as I hanged up the phone I felt relief.  I thought to myself, "This is the deciding factor.  Through this God will help me figure out what is truly best for me". 

I'm excited for the interview and excited to figure out what is best for me.  I know this isn't weighing heavy on my heart for no reason.  I know God will guide me to where I belong and I'm so excited to see what this week has in store for me. 

I want to live for God and serve Him and fulfill my purpose, whatever that may be.  I don't know what that is yet but I am on my way.  I know whatever the Lord reveal to me and wherever He takes me, He will always keep me, take care of me and provide for me no matter what. 

One Love

You gave up on love so that you could have freedom from the pain and suffering that all the heartbreaks inflicted on you.

But you forgot about that love from above.

I'm telling you, just give up.

Give up on finding satisfaction in this world.

Give up on finding love in this world because ain't no love like God's love.

All the things that you seek for in this world can only be found in God.

Only He can release you from pain and suffering.

Only in His love will you find satisfaction.

Only His love can grant you eternal freedom in His kingdom.

Freedom from pain.

Freedom from heartache.

Freedom from neglect.

Freedom from abandonment.

Only His love.

Only God's love.

The best love.

One love.

In God you can find everything you ever needed, wanted and more.

It's that one love from up above.

That's all the love you will ever need.

Who do you know that would die for you in order for you to enter the kingdom?

There should be no persuasions.

He is our Creator and we His creations.

God has demonstrated His love for us like no other.

We are still sinners and Christ died for us.

God love you and me and this world so much that He gave up His only Son so that we can have eternal life with Him.

God said that He will wipe every tear away.

God said that we will no longer cry.

God said that we will no longer thirst.

What kind of worldly love do you know can do that?

So I'm telling you, give up!

Give up on this world and give in to God.

Only His love.

Only God's love.

The best love.

One love

Double Standard: Modesty and Social Media

This was a status that a male friend of mine posted yesterday.  As you can see it was very popular with 86 likes, 12 comments and 6 shares.  I have beef with this post and all the other post and memes in the world that are always complaining about women regarding what we do, what we say, how we look, how we act, etc.  Why, why, why!

Us women are constantly being scrutinized for every little thing we do.  Wear too much makeup?  You're fake.  Don't wear enough makeup?  You're ugly.  Got a big butt and big boobs?  You're a hoe.  Always posting on social media?  You're seeking attention.  Got a lot of guy friends? You must be smashing them all.

Listen up men!  Us women don't do everything for your satisfaction, for your pleasure, or for your validation.  Is it so hard to believe that a woman dresses up, glams up just for herself?  Is it hard to believe that a woman can post selfies without seeking attention but she posted it because she likes her makeup and outfit that day?

Let's make one thing clear regarding the status above.  Men are just as guilty when it comes to being attention seekers on social media.  I've seen countless men post selfies of their bodies; showing off their abs and arms.  I've see men posting pictures of their cars, money, and outfits.  Sometimes these men that post these kind of pictures are just fronting for the likes to boost their egos and be "thirst traps".

If we're going to talk about how women need to chill with selfies, thirst traps or whatever you want to call it, men need to be held accountable as well when they do the same things.  If we're talking about how women need to practice modesty in all areas of their life including social media, men need to do the same.

When I saw this post I looked at it from a Christian point of view.  Yes women should practice modesty, a Christian woman knows this but a Christian man knows he should practice modesty as well.  

1 Corinthians 6:19-20New International Version (NIV)

19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

The fact that men think us women do everything for their satisfaction and their viewing pleasure and we need their validation is hilarious. It must be crazy to think that a woman really could do things without taking a man's opinion into consideration.

I have a boyfriend and he's a God fearing man but I do all things for my heavenly Father and even if I lost him tomorrow I would continue to glorify my Father because at the end of all this the only man that matters is the man upstairs.  I do things for the Lord's satisfaction, to please my Lord and I only need His validation.  

I know that not everyone who reads this may be a Christian like myself but at the end of the day when it comes to this subject, if you want to point the finger at women being attention seekers on social media, you have to point the finger at men too.  Both parties are at fault and one is not worst than the other.  Lets also keep in mind that not everything a woman does is for the attention of men.  It's not all about you.  Sometimes it's about her.  

The Lies We Tell at 7:42 A.M.

"I slept so good beside you. Look at you. You look so beautiful in the morning. You're the first girl I've had in this bed since my last relationship. No, you don't snore. You look cute when you're sleeping. I wish you didn't have to leave. I'm going to miss you."

"I slept good too. I love your kisses in the morning. You cuddle me so good. I'll stay over again soon. I want to stay in this bed all day with you. I'm going to miss you too. I'll be thinking about you all day."

He didn't sleep good. All he could think about was why they weren't having sex. He didn't think she looked beautiful when they woke up. Her hair was a mess and this was the first time he saw her without makeup. She was the 5th girl that week to lay in his bed but the first to not have sex with him. She snored all night and he wanted to call her a cab as soon as she fell asleep during the movie. He was ready for her to leave and he wouldn't be missing her.

She didn't sleep good either. All she could dream about was her ex and how much she missed him. She hated his kisses. His lips tasted nothing like her ex's lips. All night he tried to get her to have sex with him. His hands ventured off to places that still belonged to her ex and that made her uncomfortable. He didn't fill the void she had. She wasn't going to miss him. There was nothing to miss. She'll be thinking about her ex today. She will call him in hopes that she can get him back.

But Does He Pray for You?

But does he pray for you? That's what I ask. 
Or would he rather crawl into your bed and lay with you? 
And leave you alone in the morning and you only realize it when you're stretching and yawning to the other side of the bed, reaching for his hand or head, only to find that your alone instead. 
But does he pray for you? 
He's there for a good time, but when you're going through it he'll tell you good luck and become the invisible man leaving you alone to figure out your own plan.
But does he pray for? 
No but he texts you good morning and good night and gives you mad likes on the gram, but honey you're not the first and you're not the last and he's leaving you straight in his past.
But does he pray for you? 
A man of God will pray for you, never stray from you and will treat you like the queen that he knows you are. He will show you how he sets himself a part. 
So the next time you meet a man don't ask the clique first date questions that will all forget the answers to by the end of the night. 
Ask him "Would you pray for me?".
And I pray that the answer is right.

A Letter to God

Dear God,
Let me start off by saying thank you.
Thank you for your everlasting love, thank you for your mercy, thank you for your grace. Thank you for giving up your one and only son so we can have eternal life with you. Thank you God.

Dear God,
Let me continue by saying sorry. This flesh that I'm stuck in craves sin. This heart that beats within me is wicked. I'm sorry God for lying, lusting, and not gloryifing your name enough. Forgive me Lord for I am a born sinner and I want to love in your way and your light because it is truth and it's only right but the truth is I am not perfect. A Christian I am which means I strive to be the best reflection of you in a world that turns away from your word. Forgive me Lord. I live in a world of lies, hate, and temptation. But with your strength and guidance,  I can conquer it all.

Dear God,
You are awesome, you are the beginning and end, my father and friend. The Alpha and Omega, nobody and nothing compares to you. I have nothing but love for you and I show this with my actions and I'm not afraid to confess it with my mouth. God, you are so dope and your words give me nothing but hope and I have faith that one day I will be reunited with you in peace. In tranquility. When you come back for us the world will view you differently.

Dear God,
I write this letter to you with nothing but love. You knew what was on my heart before my pen hit the paper. You knew what I was going to write to you before the words came to me. And that's the coolest thing, my Lord knows everything about me.

Dear God,
I love you for everything, good, bad and ugly. You are love, you are peace,  you are my rock, my salvation, you are my everything.

With love,
Your daughter Ashley♡

The Girl of your Dreams

Summer is upon us and that means beach and lake trips, water parks, and cookouts.  It also means for ladies summer dresses, shorts, and the dreadful bathing suits.  I have never been a fan of bathing suit shopping.  Since I was 10 I wore a tankini.  A tankini is a bathing suit that basically looks like shorts and a tank top.  Since I was 10, I've had body image issues.  I also thought I was fat and when I didn't think I was fat I thought my body wasn't attractive because I didn't have your typical Latina body.  I'm never excited about wearing a bathing suit.  I'm too self conscious.  Shopping for a bathing suit that I feel good in is a exhausting and depressing experience for me every year.

Society thinks that your typical Latina has long, dark, straight hair, golden skin, and a coke bottle body.  I do not have none of that.  I'm 5'8", curly hair, and light skin.  I do not have a coke bottle body.  When I stand next to my boyfriend my mother says we look like the number 11 because I'm so skinny (but I disagree with her).  I'm not curvy like your "typical Latina" and I'm not skinny like many Caucasian girl so where do I fall?

Some may say I'm average but I don't know what I am.  Like I said, since 10 I had body image issues.  My brother, being the little brother he was would pick on me and call me fatty all the time.  I wasn't fat but in my head I already thought that and him teasing me reinforced that thinking.  In middle school I was picked on by boys and girls.  My family moved us from the Bronx to PA and I went to a predominately white school at the time.  I didn't have blonde hair and blue eyes.  I was taller than most girls and I wasn't developed like the rest of the girls.  I was a late bloomer so I didn't look like the rest of the Latinas in my school and I definitely didn't look like the white girls.  Ultimately, I was viewed as ugly in middle school.  What did I look like to me?

I looked like me but me for the longest time I didn't feel good enough.  As I got older, I started dating and every relationship I was in, the guy tried to changed something about me physically and I worked hard to achieve what was impossible until now.  My current boyfriend loves me just as I am. Even though he loves me just as I am, I still feel the pressure to look a certain way.

Currently it seems that the desirable body is something like Nicki Minjai and Cardi B.  You know what I'm talking about.  I see this type of body all over Instagram, TV, everywhere.  It's everywhere and it seems like everyone is trying to achieve it.  I also see thin and fit as still being something that is desirable as well.  Small thighs, no love handles, flat stomach, you get the picture.

I'm 23 now and I'm tired of feeling this.  I'm tired of feeling not good enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not Latina enough.  I decided this summer I will become the girl of my dreams.  I don't want to have a J.Lo body or look like an H&M model.  I want to be confident, happy and healthy.  I made a promise to myself to workout consistently, not drive myself crazy with the number on the scale, eat healthy but at the same time not feel ashamed when I have a cookie or cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

I want to believe my boyfriend when he tells me I'm beautiful and sexy.  I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.  I want to enjoy shopping for clothes, especially bathing suits.  That's the girl of my dreams.  I promise myself that I will be all these things and more.

Who's the girl of dreams? Do you feel pressured to look a certain why by friends, family, the media, or society? What are some things you are battling with when it comes to your body image?

Comment below and share your story with me.

Peace&Love

God Bless

Ash

American Scheme

So called land of the free they say but we're the prisoners of the banks. Held back by dollar signs & commas. And they get mad when we ask for $15 and hour. 
A dollar and a dream is all it uses to take to get far. Now you need the right clothes, shoes, body and fancy cars. Everyone is so materialistic and obtaining these things seems so unrealistic and it has made America so egoistic. 
Can't when walk down the street anymore because at the intersection of social and justice that's where the cops will meet. My brothers and sisters are being gunned down while their families are praying they make it before sundown.
You try to lock us up but the real criminals are in the white house and wall Street.
And if I scream "Black lives matter!", I might get beat. It's a war between us and them and our government should be the first ones condemned.
It's 2016 and we're still fighting for our rights but a bright future for this country is no where in sight. 
But like my brother Kendrick Lamar said, "If God got us then we gon ' be alright!".
American dream? Nah. American scheme.
Que lastima! Dame paciencia!
Oh I lost you? Yes I speak Spanish. You see, I'm a Latina. 1st generation. A feminist. Bronx native. Pro Black. A scholar. I'm no criminal or killer but I'm a force to be reckon with.
So America can try to sell me this so called dream. You know why they call it the American dream?
Because you have to be asleep to believe it.
But I am WOKE.

Lessons from College

Art by Sue Tsai

First things first,
CONGRATULATIONS to all the recent college grads.  Class of 2016, WE MADE IT!

Now that we got that out of the way, lets continue.  I learned a lot from college.  I don't mean I learned a lot from lecture halls, although obviously I did learn a lot in the classroom but I mean the college experience was a course itself.  We all start college wide eyed, not feeling quite equip but yet feeling invincible.  I'm sure we can all agree that college can be quite the rollercoaster.

I transferred to Millersville University as a sophomore in 2012 from Harrisburg Area Community College.  I couldn't afford to go to college right out of high school and that was okay.  I loved walking to campus everyday, then walking from class to work and then walking home.  I came home to my loving family, my dog, and home cook meals.  I had my own room, shared a bathroom with my family and I only stressed when I procrastinated.  Overall, I was really happy living at home and going to a community college. When I transferred, I lost all that.  I came to MU not knowing anyone. I was shy and literally lost.  My first day of class was my first time on the campus. My first semester I cried every night, calling my mom to come get me for the weekend.

So what did I learn at MU?

1. Campus food sucks.  I didn't gain any weight in college.  If anything I lost weight.  I'm not picky but I eat healthy and their aren't many healthy choices on campus.  I lived off of made to order sandwiches and salads, soups, and fruit until I lived off campus the second semester of my senior year.  Only then was I able to cook for myself and eat rice and beans, chicken, platanos, empanadas, the list can go on!
2. Not everyone is going to be your friend.  This may be obvious to some but to me at the time it wasn't.  All I wanted to do was make some close nit friends.  My first year at MU I got played, back stabbed and let down so much and this continued to happened till I graduated. I didn't know who to trust anymore.  People are very deceiving and being who I am, I always give people the benefit of the doubt.  I'm also sensitive and emotional, so every time I got my heart broken by a friend it HURT.  Even till this day it hurts when a "friend' does me dirty.  I feel like nothing compares to the heartbreak cause by someone you thought was your friend.
3. The majority of college guys and 20 something year old men are full on predators.  Let me explain.  I called them predators because they prey on females.  How? They lead them on, deceive them, use them, and abuse them.  I cannot tell you how many times I heard stories of girls being taken advantage of while drunk or completely unconscious.  I've heard stories from my own guy friends in college talking about how many side pieces they have and their girl back at home has no idea.  Even I have been lead on to believe that a guy had genuine interest in me only to find out he only wanted one thing.  I have female friends who say they're "talking" to some guy, and they claim they have a real connection but he's "talking"to three other females.  Now I'm not saying there aren't any nice guys in college or in my age group, but it's safe to say it's rare.
4. Temptation is everyone.  I'm a Christian and whoever else is a Christian knows that's not an easy life to live, especially in college.  Drugs, alcohol, parties, sex.  If you let it, these things can consume you.  If you surround yourself with people who are all about this, you will become all about it.  You truly are a reflection of the people you surround yourself with.  When I transferred, I wanted to make friends so bad, I would attend parties with some of the girls on my floor. It was the worst.  Before we would even get there, my "friends" would make fun of the way I dressed, saying I was too conservative.  Their go to outfits was anything tight and revealing. Not my style.  Never has been.  Then we would get there and it felt like I was a guppy surrounded by sharks and the guys were the sharks.  You can just feel their eyes on you. Guys would literally grab me to dance, not even ask and I would decline because they were just so rude.  After my third party I was done.  I couldn't get used to the environment and with that I lost all my new "friends" I just made.  Oh well.  I didn't want to indulge in any part of that type of environment.  I didn't connect with it and I had no desire to be consumed by it.
5. It's not easy but it is possible.  Everything is possible with God on your side and that's not a cliche. Philippians 4:13 "I can do all this through Him who gives me strength".  With classes, work, internships, temptations, self-doubt, let downs, stress, and anxiety, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  If it wasn't for God, I wouldn't have graduated.  I didn't do it.  He did it. There were times I had no money to pay tuition.  He made a way. I felt alone.  He comforted me.  I had worries and doubts.  He erased those. I was stress, depressed and had anxiety.  He brought me peace.  My relationship with God is what got me through the hardest years of my life.  God got me.

Those are just some things college taught me.  There's more but I'd like to hear from you.  What are some lessons college has taught you or lessons you're just learning.  Comment below and share your story with me.

Peace and Love

God Bless

Ash

About Me

Ash

Christian 

College Grad 

Puerto Rican/Cuban/Sicilian 

Poet 
Leader

Fighter
Winner 

Bronx Made✊ 

Youtube Channel: Ashley Effrece