The Girl of your Dreams

Summer is upon us and that means beach and lake trips, water parks, and cookouts.  It also means for ladies summer dresses, shorts, and the dreadful bathing suits.  I have never been a fan of bathing suit shopping.  Since I was 10 I wore a tankini.  A tankini is a bathing suit that basically looks like shorts and a tank top.  Since I was 10, I've had body image issues.  I also thought I was fat and when I didn't think I was fat I thought my body wasn't attractive because I didn't have your typical Latina body.  I'm never excited about wearing a bathing suit.  I'm too self conscious.  Shopping for a bathing suit that I feel good in is a exhausting and depressing experience for me every year.

Society thinks that your typical Latina has long, dark, straight hair, golden skin, and a coke bottle body.  I do not have none of that.  I'm 5'8", curly hair, and light skin.  I do not have a coke bottle body.  When I stand next to my boyfriend my mother says we look like the number 11 because I'm so skinny (but I disagree with her).  I'm not curvy like your "typical Latina" and I'm not skinny like many Caucasian girl so where do I fall?

Some may say I'm average but I don't know what I am.  Like I said, since 10 I had body image issues.  My brother, being the little brother he was would pick on me and call me fatty all the time.  I wasn't fat but in my head I already thought that and him teasing me reinforced that thinking.  In middle school I was picked on by boys and girls.  My family moved us from the Bronx to PA and I went to a predominately white school at the time.  I didn't have blonde hair and blue eyes.  I was taller than most girls and I wasn't developed like the rest of the girls.  I was a late bloomer so I didn't look like the rest of the Latinas in my school and I definitely didn't look like the white girls.  Ultimately, I was viewed as ugly in middle school.  What did I look like to me?

I looked like me but me for the longest time I didn't feel good enough.  As I got older, I started dating and every relationship I was in, the guy tried to changed something about me physically and I worked hard to achieve what was impossible until now.  My current boyfriend loves me just as I am. Even though he loves me just as I am, I still feel the pressure to look a certain way.

Currently it seems that the desirable body is something like Nicki Minjai and Cardi B.  You know what I'm talking about.  I see this type of body all over Instagram, TV, everywhere.  It's everywhere and it seems like everyone is trying to achieve it.  I also see thin and fit as still being something that is desirable as well.  Small thighs, no love handles, flat stomach, you get the picture.

I'm 23 now and I'm tired of feeling this.  I'm tired of feeling not good enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not Latina enough.  I decided this summer I will become the girl of my dreams.  I don't want to have a J.Lo body or look like an H&M model.  I want to be confident, happy and healthy.  I made a promise to myself to workout consistently, not drive myself crazy with the number on the scale, eat healthy but at the same time not feel ashamed when I have a cookie or cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

I want to believe my boyfriend when he tells me I'm beautiful and sexy.  I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.  I want to enjoy shopping for clothes, especially bathing suits.  That's the girl of my dreams.  I promise myself that I will be all these things and more.

Who's the girl of dreams? Do you feel pressured to look a certain why by friends, family, the media, or society? What are some things you are battling with when it comes to your body image?

Comment below and share your story with me.

Peace&Love

God Bless

Ash